is your mom at the bar?
i just google imaged poop.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
