he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize