this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
