I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I need to calm my uterus...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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