it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
