i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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