I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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