my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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