Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
