my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
