i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
