Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Randomize
