thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
