The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
