I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
