Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
