you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
