I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
