I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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