my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
