The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I FOUND THE LEGS
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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