I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
My feet surprised me
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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