i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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