It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
