I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize