whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
