You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
