I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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