dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
