yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
