I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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