so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
