Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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