is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
