I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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