i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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