I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
