I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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