Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
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