i need an iv and a liver transplant
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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