Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
