Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
