There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Your penis caused this!
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