If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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