Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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