i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
