i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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