We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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