How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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