Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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