i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Semen is not good for contacts.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
