Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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