I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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