I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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