she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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