New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
