i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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